


What's this?

by WhiteSwanCake (Courtorderedcake)



Series: Scraps / Drabbles / Ficlets [7]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack Relationships, Don't Judge Me, Don't Read This, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, I Don't Even Know, Multi, Not Beta Read, Open to Interpretation, Other, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 10:08:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17486174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Courtorderedcake/pseuds/WhiteSwanCake
Summary: This is a crack ficlet, a drabble, based on the following prompt in Killian-Whump's inbox on tumblr :'Do you think that Storybrooke has a sex shop with enchanted sex toys?'This is my interpretation of what one possibility may have looked like. Don't read this. Just don't. It's a hot mess.





	What's this?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. This is your last warning, this is a 7 layer dip of oh no. Don't read this.   
> Rated E for Eeeee-yikes, this is explicit and a crack fic oh holy sheet. Unbeta’d. Y'all, this is a mess, enjoy.

For the following: 

[@doodlelolly0910](https://tmblr.co/mHjc06ApaDnpKU4vxdNf_FQ)

[@hollyethecurious](https://tmblr.co/m2tIJPMgrCN7EtPb0-FUVNQ) 

[@killian-whump](https://tmblr.co/mqgLCC8xFuFGsK0nT-xUxUw) 

[@gingerchangeling](https://tmblr.co/mBiSF7zzZK9_UsRJG7AeKzw)

* * *

 

When the realms were brought together, it was admittedly an overwhelming shock for many who had no idea of the struggles elsewhere, outside of their lives. Sal had felt the change before it happened, the wind and very earth itself whispered conflicts, magic, changes that would make her bubble of safety pop in the most glorious ways.

It was strange, to not be apprehensive of the new. They’d done it before, right? How difficult could it be to adjust to this?

It turned out to be quite difficult. After many initial failures and misunderstandings, however, Sal found her niche. It wasn’t a failure like the bakery, or toy store, or Cafe with her famous soup, oh no.

This was her greatest achievement. Technically, even if it wasn’t acknowledged other than in gossip as she walked through town to open, she was royalty. A queen by marriage, even if her husband disliked traversing in these places. It was just so different back home, no thrones, just work and calming their anxious subjects - her husband could easily handle that as he always had. Sal needed a purpose outside of their existence.

Her store was tucked away, behind the eatery known as Granny’s, the unassuming front a facade for what was within. The signs upfront did nothing to curb curiosity, a simple black block poster that stated ‘18 and up’ and her store logo, a large S over a brilliant harvest moon that showed the silhouette of a curving hill. Sally’s. The name was inconspicuous enough, and even if the towns folk gave her strange looks, she had taken to wearing long sleeves, long skirts, a high neck, and soft floral in large prints to distract from her scars.

Her shipments came in quickly, and behind several different partitions lay her husband’s tinkering ideas, suitable for the advanced practitioner. A wall of what one could call a rainbow assortment of various sized phallic toys in every different material was a focal point, along with a huge selection of lingerie that she’d tailored, a fetish wall for beginners, and a backroom of thousands of movies for rent. To the left of her cash register she had books, games, tall high heeled shoes, garters, tights, different sheer stockings and a dressing room. To the right, a selection of male masturbating tools, fake pussies and asses, pumps, sleeves, and cock rings.

Her pride and joy was a partitioned section with collars, cages, leashes, electrical stimulation toys, ships, chains, cock cages and her enchanted items. Truly, anything could be enchanted. Her witch friends from town could do almost anything she asked for, and Sal took advantage of this with gusto.

There were strap ons that had no seams or straps, that melded with your skin to give real pleasure and spilled seed in release. She conscripted silicone tentacles that writhed and squirmed into different orifices upon a stroke down their base, and others that deposited fluid or eggs of varying sizes and amounts. A vibration tool that let the user feel the pleasure of their lover. Lotions and potions to make breasts bigger or smaller, cocks girthier or longer, to extend bellies, numb the throat, anus, or vagina, to last longer or to keep orgasms coming repeatedly as sensitivity increased.

Her store was perfect.

The first day, the sheriff poked her blonde head in, and dragged a confused looking man with a shock of dark hair with her.

“What’s this?” The blonde had whispered, and Sal sighed with a smile. The curiosity reminded her of her husband.

“Bloody. Fucking. Hell.” Her partner had hissed, shifting onto the back of his heels as he looked up at the sex swing Sal had hung, two blow up dolls demonstrating a particularly common position.

“Welcome to Sally’s, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.” Sal smiled, but the blonde and her partner were wide eyed, examining her wares with giddy excitement.

They left with the promise not only to be back, but that they’d spread the word - and dropped $500 on an enchanted strap on, a set of magic tightening silk ropes, an ankle spreader, a vibrating plug and clitoral stimulator, and a sex swing. The man’s eyes were dark with lust as they left, murmuring into his wife’s ear (Sal had learned that they were married), making her blush as he walked suspiciously close to her and adjusted himself.

The sheriff, Emma, hadn’t lied when she said she’d spread the word. Her ‘What’s this’ spread like snow falling on cobblestone, covering the entire town in a blanket of curiosity.

A quiet woman with large sunglasses and a kerchief wrapped around her short brown hair came in early the next morning, whispering to Sal that she was a sub, a bottom by nature, but wanted to dominate her husband for once on a recommendation.

Sal sold her a pair of enchanted silk cuffs and a bondage set. As long as the wearer consented, they acted as a paralytic. The woman seemed delighted, and Sal helped her pick out a riding crop, a paddle, a small beginners strap on and plug set, a few different textured and sized cock rings, and put in her request for a cock ring shaped like a crown that would delay orgasm until a word was spoken.

The sheriff’s husband’s twin came in, walked straight to the tentacle section Sal had created with his basket, pushed everything on the shelf in it, and charged it to Visa. The gleam of excitement in his eyes as he asked about what each toy did was unmistakably carnal, but when Sal told him about the process of the one that laid eggs his knuckles went white where he gripped the counter, and she was sure he shuddered.

A regal woman, the apparent queen of the Realm, came in with a man who had a bow slung over his shoulder. Sal reminded herself to make a ‘No weapons or Magic’ sign when she had a chance. They browsed for quite a while before the Queen purchased a harness, tether, saddle, reins and bit, along with a plug that was attached to a long curly pony’s tail. She blushed red, presenting a black Amex, and asked if she could have a bed made with a cage underneath.

“I’ll have to take his measurements -”

“Oh, no. It’s for me…” she blushed again.

Taking her cold hand and laying it on the Queens, Sal smiled. “There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I’m happy to quote you and help you design something.”

The man behind her kissed the Queen’s neck, and Sal sketched out what the Queen described as she asked questions about the use and desires of the couple. The design came out perfectly, a stable stall underneath an opulent, carved, four post king bed. The stall was lined in rich red and black velvet, and their various tack playthings could be hung on the wall of the wooden stall. Slots were made so a cattle prod could be pushed in, and the tile under the removable velvet cushion was able to be used with electrical stimulation.

Regina, the Queen had asked Sal to call her, paid her a hefty sum for it with glee. Her husband, Robin looked thrilled.

People came in and out, repeat customers becoming ‘regulars’, buying the next level of gear, new lube, or trying new sensations that Sal whipped up. The sheriff and her husband came in for various potions, no limit to their exploration, and Sal showed them her husband’s work - apparently, however, the physiology of the people in most realms did not allow for cutting people into pieces to isolate erogenous zones. Sal made a note to fill that display with a pole display.

The petite woman who Sal had nicknamed ‘Incognito Sub’ returned, sunglasses and kerchief gone, dragging a man who looked absolutely in love with her and sated. If Sal had wanted to know how things went, she could simply watch the slight bow legged walk he did as the examined other cock rings, and she retrieved her purchase - ‘The Cock Crown’ as Sal referred to it.

Regina’s bed came in, and Sal got her thank you basket not even a day later. Apparently, the Queen of the realms was looking forward to bruises on her thighs.

Detective Rogers, the Sheriff’s husband’s twin, came in about once every 2 weeks to purchase squid ink lube and check if she had anything new. Sal occasionally did, and the next time he visited she noticed that he was very happy to use the larger eggs, his belly distended and shirt tighter. Sal tried not to think about how he’d pass that.

Alice and her girlfriend Robin had become regulars as well, but they avoided times in which her father might be around. Sal could understand why, the awkwardness of the questions there was palpable even in daydreams. Seeing your father stroking his swollen stomach full of ink and false eggs while you bought a double edged enchanted dildo could definitely make family brunch strained.

Surprisingly, Sal had been surprised, which was rare. The town opened wide like a flower in bloom, indiscretion happening in her store happily, a congregation of people who had waited for this for far too long. A man called Hopper purchased several whips, cuffs, wax candles, a pole and a set of nipple clamps and a dog ear and plug tail set in white. Apparently, his girlfriend needed to be punished, something about her obsession with puppies giving him the idea to turn her into one. With a name like Cruella, Sal thought it was amusing that this meek, unassuming man in glasses had her as a pet.

Another shock was her regular customer, Granny, who had no shame and paraded a long line of lovers in, sometimes all at once. A submarine captain, a wood worker, a man that may be the father of the twins that both worked law enforcement, a man with a long beard and a wizard’s hat embroidered with stars were just some of her favorite paramours. She lived to come in and purchase custom cock cages and large plugs, putting them on the counter with an unabashed grin.

“One for me, one for you.” She grinned, placing large weighted plugs on the counter, and occasionally her lovers gulped. If they did that, by now Sal knew that Granny would need a gag, and fetched one off the wall. Only the man who looked like the twins and the Captain grinned like cats who were playing with their prey.

“No gag for them.” Granny would purr. No wonder those two were her favorites.

Her least favorite customers were the dwarves, who came in giggling and raucous, a certain Leroy grumbling the entire time. Sal would never tell anyone about his hypocrisy, that when he was alone in her shop he purchased lingerie for himself and a pump. She did raise an eyebrow above her cold stare.

“I have a reputation, lady. Don’t give me that look when your a patchwork princess yourself. You know how this town is.”

It irked her, his words crawling under her stitching long after he left. She did know how the town was - the people here were kind, quietly accepting and understanding of the lives they had left or lived that created kinks and fetishism that a normal shop could not satisfy.

Where else could a giant find magic beans that swelled when placed in the rectum? Where could a fairy find a wand that they could happily use to masturbate with, sparking and shooting magic when they came undone? Who sold potions and creams and insertables and rings that fulfilled fantasies that were esoteric even to the most esoteric of characters from worlds unknown?

Sal did.

Late at night, just before the lightening of the morning sky, Sal would close up shop as Jack appeared from the shadows and placed a kiss on her forehead.

“Did you do well today?” he asked. His form here was startling, and while he loved a good scream he had learned well enough to wear a long hoodie and jeans she’d tailored for his skinny form.

“Mmmmhmmm. Well enough. Humans are…”

“Very peculiar. I agree, I’ve been studying them for some time, and I have what they’re composed of -”

“Oh Jack. No. Nonono -”

“Sally, darling.” He brushed her long hair behind her ear, the wind moving it right back as she glared. “I would never repeat what happened at Christmas. I am keeping my word, just reading and researching, nothing more.”

“I’m holding you to that.” Sally smiled, stitched eyelashes fluttering.

“So, what did you need all that Frog’s Breath for, anyway? You were up half the night.” the shop locked, they walked home through the various realms to get to their pumpkin covered door. “You won’t believe this one, but apparently a certain princess and prince want to be frogs next time they copulate. I had to make a frog potion that wasn’t permanent and didn’t result in… Er… Tadpoles.”

They laughed as they climbed in their holiday door, and Sal smiled.

She was good at what she did.


End file.
